Spies like us

OPINION: We’ve been watching the news lately and there is this Chinese diplomat telling the government that he’s been spying on Australia and so have about another 1000 of his mates.
 
But then along comes Attorney-General Phil Ruddock and denies that anybody has been spying on his secrets, and if they were he’d know about it because ASIO would tell him.
 
Well of course he doesn’t know about it, because they’re not spying on the government! These politicians are so self-centred they think everything is about them and all their silly so-called secrets.
 
And now a Chinese professor has come out and said that China is trying to make Australia into a political colony to destroy our freedoms and democracy.
 
Maybe he didn’t notice that we already did that all by ourselves when we gave our government complete control of both houses of parliament. As if we need foreign spies infiltrating the country to create a totalitarian state!
 
We Aussies can do things for ourselves and we’ll win a gold medal at the next One-Party-State World Championships, you see if we don’t. After all, we already got rid of some of the competition in Iraq and Afghanistan so we should be in with a real chance.
 
Anyway, it’s about time the government took this diplomat dude seriously as far as we’re concerned.
 
For starters he’s way too well dressed to be a regular Chinese worker so he must be getting paid extra by someone outside the embassy. The Chinese Government isn’t about to pay him a bonus just for doing his job, so the money for the Armani suits has to be coming from the IT industry -- nobody else has any marketing funds to spare.
 
Trust me on that, if there was any slush money rolling around in another industry we’d open a shop and start selling their junk before you could blink.
 
Here at Rabid Reseller we know why the spies are here and where they are looking and its right here at our shop!
 
They even opened a computer shop right across the road and it’s full of Chinese spies! Look, we know they must be up to something, because they sell their PCs at about half the price we do, so they can’t be making money out of that.
 
No sir, they’re just selling PCs at a loss to cover their real business -- spying on a real reseller like Rabid.
 
You see, since IBM sold its PC business to Lenovo the Chinese are in a stack of trouble. They’ve got no idea how to sell PCs to the capitalists in the west. Back home it’s easy, because their government sets the prices and that’s the end of that. But now that they’re about to play on the global stage, they need to learn how it’s done western capitalist style and who better to learn from than Rabid Reseller?
 
We practically wrote the book on dealing with uppity customers who expect fair prices, value for money, service, warranty and other stupid socialist-induced notions, which are probably compulsory in the shops in China. That’s why the Chinese are spying in Australia all right: to find out how to sell PCs to the rest of the world.
 
Typical of them to spy when all they had to do was ask and we’d have been happy to tell them all about our proven sales methods -- for a modest fee of course.
 
After all, it’s all there on the wall on our “trading terms” sign in large black-and-white writing where it says “No refunds for any reason whatsoever including but not limited to items not working as advertised or not working at all or being actually no use to anyone for any purpose whatsoever”. Can’t be much clearer than that can you? Maybe it didn’t translate well into Chinese.
 
In fact some of our customers have walked out mumbling something about our trading terms being written in gobbledygook, whatever language that might be. No doubt they speak that somewhere else in Asia, but we’ve never been there and we certainly didn’t take any surfing gear with us when we didn’t go there, that’s for sure.
 
Gotta go! Customers waiting!

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