Bunny Blue Suede Shoes

OPINION: Here at Rabid Reseller we didn’t do too well over Easter. We know it’s not like Christmas, but heck, it’s a public holiday and people spend all that money on chocolate so we thought we’d get at least a few bonus technology sales with our special offers.

Apparently the general public doesn’t find much appeal in chocolate-coated mice. Why does everything have to be about rabbits? Mice can be just as cute.

Several customers complained that we’d just covered real mice in chocolate. No, not the furry ones with ears, just real computer mice. Well, we figured you just pick away at the chocolate while you surf the internet but nobody else thought that was a good idea.

The chocolate-coated keyboards looked great too, but they were right, we shouldn’t have used real keyboards. It’s going to cost us a fortune to fix little Freddy’s teeth. And they were a bit weird to type on, or so they tell me. We don’t eat our own dog food here at Rabid Reseller, no sir.

Not one single customer went for the pop-up rabbit screensaver. And we spent a fortune getting the motherboard into the wicker basket surrounded by eggs but nobody cared about that either.

Looks like Easter is just for Darrel Lea after all, with nothing left over for technology shops. We thought we were getting somewhere with the launch of our discount repair deal, which we called Rabid PC Resurrection.

We put a lot of effort into the service too. Our repair guys were all dressed in black with white dog
collars and they burned a lot of incense and kept on chanting while they worked on the problem. When they finally got it fixed a blinding flash of light would appear on cue followed by a chorus of trumpets and a loud shout of ‘Hallelujah!’.

Then they’d ask for donations from the assembled family of the forlorn PC, now resurrected. Who could be offended by that? Apparently, nearly everyone. We’d never heard of the moral majority. And why is Mel Gibson sending us emails? Our lawyers advise that churches do in fact, take out lawsuits. Who’d have thought? Now we’ve had to change all the marketing plans we’d made for Christmas as well.

Our so-called partners aren’t helping us to sell many computers either, never mind all the Christians
we offended. First enemies of the reseller these days are those pesky printer vendors. And the digital camera vendors, although they’re often the same people. Where’s the computer indeed Mr Kodak. I’ll tell you where the friggin’ computer is, it’s sitting on the shelf in my showroom because you told everybody they don’t need one.

Honestly, and I use that word under legal advice, you’d think computers were too hard to use the way that these vendors are doing everything they can to make their cameras print without one.

What’s next? A camera that can connect to the internet? Or make phone calls? Sorry, what was that? Nokia make what? Good grief. We’re going to have to start selling something else if PCs are already obsolete.

No wonder Microsoft is trying to replace your lounge room stereo with a PC. We didn’t catch on to that at first, but if your phone has replaced your PC and your camera, all we can sell the punters is a printer. But perhaps we can convince them to install a Media Center PC in place of the stereo. That’s gotta be a great value proposition for the customer. And we just love having every one of them point out the American spelling of centre. Never get tired of that joke.

So we’re asking them to chuck away a perfectly good 5.1 channel home theatre system that they only bought last month for $500 in Big W and replace it with a $1500 Media Center PC that crashes in the middle of Neighbours and records R-rated movies over the top of their Disney movies. I can already imagine the punters queuing at the door for one of those. Not.

Anybody want to buy a computer shop? Walk-in-walk-out. I’m opening a shoe shop across the road. I’ll call it Rabid Resolers.

Gotta go! Customers waiting!