Merging on the ridiculous

OPINION: So we begin the New Year with one less major distributor to deal with, but that also means one less chance to get that gadget elsewhere that’s stuck on back order with your usual supplier.

And one less bargaining chip with which to screw a better price out of them. I think it’s time I launched my own distribution outlet. I’ll call it Rabid Micro Pacific (RMP).

This new distribution model will be reseller-friendly, as it damn well should be. For starters, resellers will get unlimited credit on their orders -- no need to pay RMP any money until you’ve sold the stuff to a punter, and order as much stock as you like, without fear of going broke.

It might as well be in your store as in our warehouse. Of course we’ll be offering two-hour delivery so you won’t ever get caught short.

If you can’t sell the stuff, send it back for credit, any time within five years. That should cover most situations. We’ll be offering five-year warranties on all our stock anyway, regardless of the vendors’ paltry offerings. And we’ll be selling our stock at cost plus 10 percent so there’s plenty of room for margins out there in your shops.

Now you think I’m joking, because this model can’t make any money. Au contraire. Once we hit the market, who will be able to resist our rock bottom prices and unlimited credit? That’s right, we’ll get 98 percent of the market in the first month, and that will cause you-know-who to panic big time.

Then we’ll offer RMP for sale to the highest bidder, walk away with the cash and pass on our ludicrous trading terms to the lucky new owner.

By the time they realise that we never paid our suppliers a cent, nor collected anything from our army of resellers, we’ll be in Bermuda selling margaritas from our new beachside bar.

What do you mean it’s been done before? I never heard of Imagineering. Must have been before my time. Well, it seemed like a good plan. Maybe I’ll start a telco, I’ll call it Rabid.Tel. What? The same guy did that already? Bah.

Are there any decent scams left to try? Hmmm. It’s gotta be time for another mining boom, hasn’t it? If we don’t do something creative soon, all that money will be going back into superannuation funds like it did before we had the dotcom boom to soak it all up.

Meanwhile, got another 10 catalogues in my mail box from retailers offering back-to-school bargains on shoes, pens and paper. OK, I can live with the shoes offering but pens and paper? This is the 21st century after all.

Why isn’t someone telling parents what their kiddies really need for back-to-school preparations? You know what I’m talking about. A brand new high-margin notebook. Sure they might already have one, but is that crappy old 3GHz notebook with 15-inch screen and a mere 80GB hard disk really adequate for today’s schoolies? Nah.

And that pathetic photo-realistic printer you bought the ankle-biters last year is just an embarrassment now. Inkjet prints say ‘public school’ like nothing else. Time to upgrade to an A3-size colour laser printer before you stifle the little prodigies’ creative talents. Real parents know what their kids need -- and we’ve got it all in stock.

I’ve just placed a huge order with RMP and it should be here before lunch. Gotta go! Customers waiting!