The nation has its say: Rabid ’07

Rabid has just about given up all hope of winning this election. We just can’t find $60 billion to hand to voters. We’ve looked, really we have, but we just can’t find that sort of money. There’s an awful lot of missing zeroes from the amount we’ve found in the till and the nephew’s piggy bank. What’s that? It’s not their money? It’s our money? Hey! We’ve just learned that all this money they’re promising to hand out is first going to be collected from our pockets! Well, Rabid’s back in the game then. We promise not to collect it in the first place! That should settle that bidding contest once and for all.

However, should the electorate not fully comprehend the brilliance of our fiscally responsible scheme we are prepared to accept a lesser position as a member of the new government, no matter who wins, as Minister for Resellers. Well, both sides have promised that every kiddie in the land will be getting a brand new computer for Christmas, courtesy of government largesse, so it stands to reason we’re going to need a lot more resellers. And we’re going to need someone to make sure the sharks don’t take over in the rush and Rabid stands prepared to do our civic duty for the usual modest percentage.

In fact, with $60 billion being returned to voters we think every single person in the land is going to need their own computer just to keep track of the handouts. We just checked and that really is a lot of zeroes. We’re not sure why the newspapers and TV keep banging on about pork though. Who needs $60 billion worth of pork? Quite a few esteemed members of our community don’t even eat pork. And what about the vegetarians? Why aren’t there any cabbage barrels? Anyway, as is quite obvious, we’re really right out of our depth trying to contest this election. For starters, it turns out that resellers are actually more honest than politicians. Who’d have thought it?

Imagine trying to convince a customer that the broken bit of their computer isn’t covered by the warranty because it’s not a core duo? We only cover core duos in our warranty. That should have been obvious at the time of the sale, regardless of what the reseller might have promised. Don’t you people watch the news? Anything non-core is not covered by anything really. Same goes for WorkChoices. As the good doctor says, if you don’t like your job, just get another one. The government says there are plenty to choose from and it seems they’re planning to take his advice themselves on election day – according to all the polls.

Now there’s another curiosity. Who pays for all these polls? Here at Rabid Reseller we tried to conduct a survey into customer expectations and got told it was going to cost about $60 billion. Oh, alright, we’re exaggerating. See how this political nonsense affects your integrity? Anyway it was going to cost a tad more than was in the till after the end-of-year sale. So who is paying for all these polls we read about almost every day in the papers? Even if they’re outsourcing the work to call centres in Overthereistan it must still cost something. And it’s not like there’s much point in the whole polling exercise. On Saturday they’re going to make us all front up for the “only poll that counts”.

Now if that poll turns out to be the same as all the polls we’ve been bombarded with since about this time last year, can we just save the money next time and the inconvenience of going back to school on a Saturday? Who ever went to school on a Saturday anyway? We reckon about four polls, one from each of the pollsters, then take the average and allocate the seats in parliament. Done deal and let’s get on with running the country again. By the way, while all this electioneering has been going on, who is running the country?

Gotta go! Vote early, vote often!

07 has its nation rabid say strategy the