The eyes have it

Sometimes it seems as though the government has nothing better to do than make life miserable for us poor business people. We just received our information pack on the Workplace Surveillance legislation and this is going to mean working all night and most of the weekend again. We had no idea you could legally do that much snooping on your staff.

In fact, we had no idea you could actually do some of this stuff at all, unless you were starring in a James Bond movie. The only requirement seems to be that we inform our staff in advance that we’re doing this snooping. Those details have already been posted on the back of the lunch room door so that’s taken care of that problem. We’ve also discovered that our low-cost inkjet printer does a pretty good job with six-point text, which is yet another feature we can add to the point-of- sale advertising.

Researching all this surveillance stuff has opened up a new business opportunity for Rabid Reseller, particularly with everyone so edgy about the threat of terrorists. Since the government has passed al those laws to stop nutters from bombing us, we see no reason not to do our patriotic duty while we make a few bucks – surely there’s no conflict of interest between watchful and wealthy. We are alert to every business opportunity and not at all alarmed about the possibility of maximum profits.

We have a bunch of spare video cameras after complying with the workplace surveillance laws, so we’ve put in a bid to supply railways and airports with everything they need to keep the public safe. The cameras are really small and can be mounted almost anywhere. Some even have a mount that lets them attach directly to smooth surfaces such as wet porcelain, so they should be fairly adaptable.

What we’d really like to see is an extension of the anti-terror laws right down to the level of deputising shopkeepers. We meet an awful lot of dodgy types in this business and quite a few of them could do with being locked up for a few months until they see the error of their ways. Only a terrorist would think you’d get free ink with a printer. Maybe that’s the way they do things in refugee camps, but they need to learn how it is in the real world.

We’re not asking for weapons or anything like that, just the right to defend our property against people who want a discount. Somebody has to take responsibility for forcing the public to pay retail prices again. That’s the real cause of all this mayhem anyway – too many people can get stuff for a discount and it devalues everything else.

If these terrorists had to pay retail prices for dynamite and a bag of nails they’d think twice about blowing themselves up for no apparent reason. Let them work for a few weeks on minimum wage without penalty rates and they’ll soon understand the real value

of explosives, and maybe go out looking for some mineral deposits instead. There must be something other than oil and sand out there.

When the time comes to be alarmed as well as alert, Rabid Reseller stands ready to be your partner in security. We know there are firms offering this kind of service but who will watch the watchers? You can’t just assume the dodgy bloke in the raincoat hanging around your garbage bins is working for ASIO, although with the current recruitment drive it’s a safe bet he is. What you need is a professional report from a reputable agency but you won’t be able to afford that.

And if ASIO finds out you’ve been checking up on them you won’t be able to afford anything after you’re deported. Far better to engage Rabid Reseller where your security dollar always goes further. We can’t tell you exactly how much further as that would breach confidentiality and invoke automatic retribution but certainly your dollar will be well out of your immediate reach. Gotta go, customers waiting!