Rabid reseller: Stimulate this

Tax cuts! The soon-to-be-government is promising to slash company tax! Woohoo! There’s gotta be a way for a reseller to join this party! After all, the announcement said the cuts would be made so we’d all have more money to spend, and hello, here’s the shop, so come and spend it! But will they spend it? We bet they won’t – they’ll stuff it under their mattresses until the price of BHP shares drops below a dollar. We need a much better plan than just handing out money at random to needy boards of directors and their investors.

Rabid Reseller would like to propose a new fiscal stimulus plan to be called the ‘Rabid Rescue’. Under our proposal, money would given directly to IT resellers, and the great unwashed, er, we mean, er, voters, would be given vouchers that can only be reclaimed at their local IT reseller. This would ensure that the money goes into circulation, via the truly needy IT reseller community, and the whole country would benefit from a huge increase in excessive overuse of technology. 

For an outlay of just a few billion dollars we could confidently expect a tablet PC in every room of the house, regardless of the size of the room or the number of occupants. This would also increase the pressure on NBN Co to finish that fibre network pretty damn quick, with all those tablets hitting the wires looking for automatic updates. With more computers per head of population than anywhere else in the world, we could reasonably expect Microsoft to relocate from Redmond to Richmond, and Apple would soon follow, moving from Cupertino to Cooper Pedy.

As the emerging technology hub of the world, Australia would be calling the shots, instead of those reckless merchant bankers over there, and we’d be telling the world how to run things properly, as only Aussies truly know how to do. For starters, we’d put the Queensland State of Origin team in charge of the World Bank, and anybody who wants a loan would have to beat them in a three-match test. That should keep the funds safe for a few decades at least – especially from NSW. The International Monetary Fund would be placed under the control of our Senate – nothing gets through that place, no matter what.

Being the centre of everything worldwide would also mean we’d be running the United Nations, and any fool country which wants to start a war would be required to do so by way of competing on Australia’s Run Out of Talent. The protagonists would put their best crooners up against the other side’s best crooners and the winner takes all. The losing side would at least have good music to listen to while contemplating the error of their warring ways. Of course, a rematch would be allowed, but only on pay-per-view, to help fund the next war effort.

All religions would be declared null and void, unless they involved a very strong sporting content, but alas, lions versus gladiators wouldn’t count as sport or religion in our new world order. However, the Apocryphal Church of Formation Drowning could confidently expect government funding and would enjoy tax-free status. 

Gotta go! Rescue to resuscitate!