Rabid: Half time for Rabid’s 07 election campaign

Frankly, Rabid’s election campaign is doing rather well. A recent survey at the local pub found support for our policies running at just under 0.05 percent with most punters and slightly over that for some, with one or two nudging 0.8 percent. At least that was the reading on the opinion meter the nice police officer was using to test the support of the crowd which had gathered for Rabid’s official campaign launch. We thought the finger food was quite good, despite a small but rowdy bunch of onlookers who kept on chanting, “we want the worm!”

We’ve done our best to get noticed, even offering to allow The Chaser boys to lampoon us mercilessly but to no avail. Apparently we’re not nutty enough for them. They told us to do more flashing if we want to get on their show. We upgraded to the latest version of Adobe’s Flash Player but they still haven’t called. It’s really hard to get attention when you represent what they call a “minor party”. Yet another conundrum. Everyone on the team is older than 18 so why they call us minors is anyone’s guess. Maybe it’s because we’re not way past the usual retirement age like some candidates.

Of course, as you would expect, we’ve copped a lot of flak for being “single-issue” and “narrow-focused”. But we make no apologies on that score. All those other clever types already think they know how to run the country. And isn’t the place going just great already? Overcrowded hospitals with people dying in the corridors – we saw that on All Saints. Schools full of Tongan bullies – we saw that on the ABC doco about Summer Heights High. Surely Rabid couldn’t do
any worse!

And this global warming is getting to be a serious issue. Neither side of politics is doing much on that score because they’re worried about coal miners losing their jobs. No surprise really, they’re big boofy blokes and they have their own picks and shovels. Best not to upset them too much. But Rabid would offer them their own slice of retail heaven, as franchisees in a global network of Rabid Reseller outlets. What the world needs now is profitable technology and we have the plan to deliver it, unlike that Mr KRudd with his offer of 10-year-old laptops for the kiddies.

We’d also like to step into the debate on WorkChoices. J-Ho says it’s all good and KRuddy says it’s all bad. Well Rabid is here to announce that they’re both wrong. For starters, there’s the name. Who came up with the idea that anything you do at work involves choice? The only choice you’d get to make under Rabid’s plan would be whether to get sacked now or a bit later for being so insolent as to ask for a choice about anything. We’re paying the wages here so we make the choices.

Now if you don’t like that, allow us to outline the fantastic Rabid Reseller Franchise program, where you become the one making the choices for others. This is the way the world should be run, by those who have a clue and also enough money to pay for things. We like that nice Mr Turnbull an awful lot. Imagine the tax cuts we’d get if he were running the country! He’s so-o-o unbelievably rich he could pay for most of the government’s programs out of his own pocket without even noticing. Come on Mal! You can’t take it with you!

Gotta go! Policies to procrastinate!

07 campaign election for half rabid rabids strategy time