Opinion: Hackers release new probe into their own idiotic names

The new Wildebeest-compliant security audit tool, when launched from a paddle-pop stick into the left nostril, immediately destroys the few remaining brain cells of most hackers. This causes them to revert to ordinary people like Montgomery Johnson and Winston Smith, and return to their bedrooms to tidy up and finish their homework.

Another spokesperson known as Jim Hackalot-Sometimes-When-I'm-Not-Too-Tired-And-My-Mum-Let's-Me-Stay-Up-Late, denied that the new tool would be used by "bad hackers" to destroy the "good hackers". In fact he denied there was a distinction between good and bad. Actually he denied the existence of hackers, claiming they'd all been rendered impotent by Microsoft's HotFix K443928. After that was released, said Jim HSWINTTAMMLMSUL, "All the hack exploits are like, totally bogus, dudes. I mean, you know, we can't really hack anything any more."

However, as he was delivering the rebuttal on his blog at www.blogs-are-the-best-so-there-and-mainstream-media-sucks-big-time.com, his browser exploded and the website was left with an endless spinning paddle-pop stick with Also Sprach Zarathustra playing in the background. Later, the infamous Occult of the Cow Tippers claimed responsibility, and a spokesperson with an even more stupid name than all the others, but which we can't reprint here, said it just showed that there were still a few users who hadn't installed HotFix K443928.

He admitted that the rest of the Internet was probably totally secure, but there were still a handful of hackers who refused to install any patches or updates in case it restricted their ability to hack. This made them the only real targets left on the Internet, and all the published hacker exploits were in fact only a threat to other hackers. He advised that if they could just be left alone they'd extinguish their own brain cells and not cause their parents any more embarrassment.