Water is liquid gold

Everyone knows Rabid Reseller is a true environmentalist — we’ve been carbon neutral ever since we stopped using lead pencils and switched to biros. We’re also very frugal with water around here. At least the nephew, Sk8er Boi, is. Frugal with soap too. He’s not keen on anything to do with personal hygiene now that we think about it. But we digress. There’s money to be made in water. Rabid is not going to be left behind.

The Federal Government has put aside 10 billion dollars dedicated to all things wet, although a lot of it seems to be going to some bloke called Murray, whom the environment minister constantly refers to as “Darling”. Anyway, Rabid isn’t interested in anyone’s sexual proclivities, we just want a share of what’s ours and some of that $10b needs rescuing from Murray and diverting to Rabid River. Catchy name isn’t it?

Of course, doomsayer nephew said nobody would let us get away with renaming the stormwater canal alongside the shop, but he’s been wrong plenty of times before, which we relish in reminding him. Alright, so Rabid’s made the odd investment blunder as well, but this one’s not costing much. The local council had no problem at all gazetting the name change to Rabid River after a modest donation to the mayor’s favourite charity. And it seems the mayor is a firm believer in the old adage that charity begins at home.

Now we’ve got a river, but we’ve got no water, so we’re putting in our submission to get a slice of the $10b on offer. Sorry to keep harping on about the money but that really is a serious shedload of shekels. Even Sk8er Boi can’t stop drooling and asking how many zeros there are in a billion. We had to promise him a few new toys so he and his mates would stop picketing the shop, but there should be plenty left over after buying them a couple of pirated CDs.

Just when we were pondering the many ways we could help the environment with our new funds, along comes this Rudd bloke. He’s started asking all sorts of silly questions about the $10b (it’s really big isn’t it?). He wants to know
where the money is coming from, who decided how much to spend, where it will all be spent and by whom and what benefit there
will be to the farmers and the environment. Sheesh!

And this bloke wants us to believe he’s a candidate for prime minister? Since when was government funding supposed to achieve anything? They don’t collect taxes in order to achieve things. They collect the money so they can hand it back when it’s time to get re-elected. Just look at the state of the country now. You think it would all be falling apart if the government had been spending all that tax money on infrastructure for the past 10 years?

Get with the program Mr Rudd. Match or better the $10b funding or you won’t be getting Rabid’s vote. We don’t want to have to cancel the yacht we’ve already ordered to moor at the jetty in Rabid River. There’s a penalty for cancelling a customised order and if that happens we’ll be heading for Bermuda. We’ve heard they have lots of moorings there.

Gotta go! Customers waiting!

finance gold is liquid water