I spy

OPINION: Gotta be happy about all the viruses and spyware out there on the PCs of losers,
er, I mean users.

Particularly satisfying is when the TV news editors decide to beat up some virus attack that really only threatens the totally inept.

Speaking of the totally inept, that’s most of our customers and they swarm through the door in droves after the TV news has scared the bejesus out of them.

However, here at the Rabid Reseller we don’t rely on the whims of news editors to ramp up sales. We make a point of pre-loading every PC we sell with lots of nasties for the newbies to play with.

Have you ever tried to sell antivirus or anti-spyware? It’s like selling insurance. But you should see the wallets click open after we run a scan on their new PC and find all those little nasties. Works a treat let me tell you.

We’ve developed our own Rabid spyware too. It’s not that we’re out to rob our customers. Heaven forbid. But it sure is handy to track them as they do their online banking. It just keeps everyone honest.

When old Mr Dithers walks in to the shop we already know he hasn’t got any money so we can just ignore him. But if it’s pension day, we’ve already been emailed that his account has been topped up and he gets the attention he deserves from our flash-as-a-rat-with-a-gold-tooth sales team.

And when Mr Scrooge starts haggling for a discount, a quick check of his bank balance and we already know how serious he is about doing a deal. While he’s whining about the price of the new printer, a subtle remark about selling some of his Telstra shares usually stops the noise and closes the deal.

Nothing stops Mr Jones in his tracks like a reference to all the gay porn sites he regularly visits, particularly if he’s got the missus and kids with him and he’s resisting buying them that iPod. Yup, we love spyware here at Rabid.

Well, we used to love spyware but now that Microsoft is giving away anti-spyware software we’re pretty much buggered.

The punters don’t like to shell out real money for software but they’ll download anything that’s free. Now we’re stuck with trying to sell them a more expensive anti-spyware product from another vendor, but once again, the punters want to see it working. And they want to see it catch something that the freebie software missed.

I’m afraid our 10-year-old nerd just isn’t keeping up with the hackers any more – everything he writes is spotted by Bill Gates’ new acquisition before it even loads, so I might have to send him back to school and give my eight-year-old nephew a shot at it.

Luckily, nobody is onto our calendar scam yet.

You just wouldn’t believe how many punters wander back into the shop after the calendar pops up and tells them their warranty has expired because they visited a porn site.

Heck, we don’t even monitor where they surfed, but the guilt gets them every time. I figure we’re doing their souls a service when we sell them our new confessional software, ‘Rabid Repentance’.

And I’m sure they feel better after entering their credit card details into Repentance. They can then go on sinning to their heart’s content, safe in the knowledge that 10 percent of their income is being sent to a worthy cause -- Rabid Relief.

We know what to do with your money, even if you don’t.Gotta go! Customers waiting!