Rabid reseller: Absolutely franchastic

Rabid recently attended a seminar on franchising. We learned that this is the way of the future. This is the way to fulfil our dreams. True wealth and happiness positively drooled from every pore of the joyful presenters. We decided halfway through the seminar that we too could profit from this fabulous franchising opportunity.

Right about now you’re wondering what on earth could entice Rabid Reseller away from technology. Maybe a lawn-mowing franchise? Perhaps a mobile coffee shop? Or more likely a computer technician service which visits customers in their homes?

None of the above! We’ve decided to be the franchisor not the franchisee!

As the seminar continued we drifted off, dreaming of a nationwide franchise operation and a burgeoning bank account. When we awoke the stage was empty and the delegates had all left the room, but by then the franchise bug had well and truly bitten. We took out an advert in the local paper, and waited for the calls.

“Hello, I saw your advert and I’d like to find out more about becoming a franchisee,” said the caller. “What sort of marketing and technical support are you offering?” We need to do that? Surely just having the Rabid name above the door is worth the entry price.

“Well, we thought you’d be taking out nationwide advertising, and handling calls and directing customers to the nearest outlet.”

Dang. That information must have been in the second half of the seminar when we drifted into dreamland. We’ll get right back to you, after we confer with our board of directors. Now, where is the nephew? Surely he didn’t fall asleep during the seminar. Just as we thought, he was wide awake the whole time. Problem is, he had his iPhone jammed in his lugholes so he didn’t hear anything, and he wasn’t taking notes after all, he was texting his spotty mates.

Now where’s that copy of Franchising for Dummies? That didn’t help much. Better get a copy of Marketing for Dummies and a copy of Tech Support for Dummies as well. Oh dear. Who wrote these books? 

National television campaigns cost a lot more than we thought. Even a local radio campaign seems outrageously expensive. And print is dead, so we need to have an internet campaign. At this rate we’ll need to find about 100 franchisees willing to pay up-front.

And which idiot decided fixed-price tech support was a good idea? And “no-fix-no-pay”? These people have obviously never run a real computer reseller business. The whole point of customer service is to squeeze the punters until they beg you to stop. 

Only then will they cheerfully pay whatever amount you feel like charging, and that is always based on reality. The reality of which bills are currently overdue and which creditors are whining the loudest.

You add them up, take an average across the number of support calls for the day and charge accordingly. This is known in the business as cash flow. Now if these prospective franchisees don’t understand the basics how are they going to succeed? It’s so typical these days. Everyone wants something for nothing. This model can only work when Rabid is the only one getting something for nothing.

Gotta go! Franchisees waiting!