Under the Wire: Topping the Bill

OPINION: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: whoever first used the term “plot” to describe the storyline of a video game has a lot to answer for. Saying “plot” evokes a kind of equivalence with dramatic works, and makes people think that a mere translation of genre is all that is needed to enthral an audience.

It’s an absurd notion, of course. Apply this simple test: would you rather play a video game, or watch someone play a video game?

Rudiments such as a starting point, a destination, various minor goals to be achieved and obstacles to be overcome, do not in themselves constitute a plot. Hollywood producers who believe they do, have inflicted upon the world such gems as Wing Commander and Super Mario Brothers: The Movie. I rest my case.

And now, the Game Movie genre is to be expanded yet again, with news that Universal and Fox are working together to bring Microsoft’s “Halo” to the big screen some time in 2007.

This worries me, partly because I didn’t think much of the story of “‘Halo” (a fairly pedestrian humans-versus-aliens-in-a-race-to-save-the-universe shooter).

If this is where Hollywood’s writers are looking for “‘inspiration”’, I weep for their loss. I’d rather watch people play Monopoly.

More worryingly, it affords Bill Gates a taste of the Hollywood cachet that Apple CEO Steve Jobs enjoys thanks to his moonlighting as head of Pixar.

Gates must find it ever so slightly irksome that his operating system is used by something like 20 times the number of people who use Jobs’ computers, but Jobs gets to be the “cool” one. Attaching the Microsoft name to a Hollywood blockbuster might, just might, attach some of that “cool” to Gates.

This worries me, because once he’s got a taste of it I don’t know that he’ll be able to stop.

Microsoft, as you may know, controls a number of software titles, not just Halo, and the potential to turn them into feature films is every bit as plausible, in my view, as yet another video game translation.

If Halo: The Movie is successful, expect to see these titles at your local cineplex in the years ahead...

Word: The Movie. What starts as a simple message to a friend turns into a nightmare when an attempt to number paragraphs suddenly creates a bulleted list. Increasingly frantic attempts to step backwards and find a way out of this formatting hell only lead further into the morass. As the bullets fly out of control, a kindly wizard offers help -- but whose side is he really on? Stars Ben Affleck and Christina Ricci, with Peter O’Toole as a talking paper clip.

PowerPoint: The Movie. A mesmerising, beautiful film firmly in the Merchant-Ivory tradition. Images, text and numbers evolve on screen, interacting with each other, sometimes moving, sometimes not, forming an important message for all who care to listen. As the hours pass, though, the early parts of the message begin to blur, and the audience finds it difficult to hold onto the whole message at once -- elusive, fleeting, half-remembered -- until, finally, you are left with a single profound conundrum: are there any questions? Anthony Hopkins and Charlotte Rampling co-star.

Exchange Server: The Movie. It knows your name. It knows where you are, and where you’re going to be. It knows who you know, and it knows what you know. It controls everything you say and do. And then, one day, it’s gone -- a random error message all that remains. Ewan MacGregor electrifies the screen in a gripping, edge-of-the-seat thriller about survival in an age when all is lost -- even identity.

Vista: The Movie. The most exciting film event ever in the history of everything. Coming eventually.