Take a deep breath now: it’s just a phone

A week or so back, Apple CEO Steve Jobs once again set the world alight with the shock announcement that his company is about to release a new version of the product it released last year — the iPhone — and, what’s more, you won’t believe this — it’s 3G.

Incredible, I know. Who saw that coming?

Well, actually, just about everyone did. Even people who aren’t particularly interested knew the 3G iPhone was coming. I think it’s fair to say that if Apple announced a new version of the iPhone that was not 3G, there would have been widespread disappointment, and not without justification.

Here’s a bit of news for you: it really is just a phone. And, what’s more, not a particularly good phone.

Every phone I’ve ever owned has had the facility to assign “speed dial” numbers to keys on the keypad — and the iPhone doesn’t. My BlackBerry 8300 theoretically allows me 26 different speed dial numbers. That’s more than I even need. The iPhone, by contrast, will allow me a grand total of zero speed dials. Which is somewhat fewer than I need.

Also, the 3G iPhone has no front-mounted camera and therefore will not be able to conduct video calls. See if you can identify three other 3G phone models that do not allow video calls. Go on, I dare you.

I’m not even going to mention the fact that you can’t swap the battery out for a spare. Oh, right, I did.

Oh, you say, the iPhone is more than a phone, it’s a computer. How nice. But primarily it’s a phone. And if it’s not primarily a phone, why does it have “Phone” so prominently in its name? Why isn’t it the “iPod phone” or somesuch?

Because it’s a phone is why.

As I write this, I’m about halfway through the Sydney Film Festival, and I’ve seen about 25 films so far. After maybe half of those films, I’ve seen people crawling about the seats, looking for phones they’ve dropped. Some of them turn up, others are recovered later after having been turned in at the Lost And Found. Some are gone for good.

Of course, you might think it’s easy to find a lost phone: just call it and listen for the ring. But these are conscientious filmgoers who’ve turned their phones off before the movie, so they don’t ring.

Losing a phone in a theatre is a fate reserved for the thoughtful. Fate is cruel sometimes.

Add to that the phones left in taxis, forgotten at restaurants, dropped, stolen and otherwise maltreated, to the detriment of their owners.

Is the iPhone immune to any of these? For all its intelligence, does it know to switch itself off at the start of a movie and on again at the end, just in case it’s fallen through the cushions?

No. And what’s more it’s probably less likely than most phones to be turned in at the Lost And Found.

When someone writes an app for the iPhone that overcomes these hazards in the life of a phone, then it will be more than a phone, and worthy of some excitement. Until then, get a grip.

Matthew JC. Powell is probably going to end up getting an iPhone anyway. Howl your protest to mjcp@optusnet.com.au