Rabid Reseller: Technology's little terrors

School holidays are always loads of fun - for schoolchildren. For the rest of us, they're loads of increased ambient noise with tracts of barely organised chaos thrown in for good measure.

These school holidays saw the Rabid household invaded by grandchildren with their parents following behind in close formation.

It would be completely untrue to suggest the parents were really any more in control of the situation than the average cat herder.

Basically, preschoolers don't mix all that well with technology and, of course, given Rabid's line of business there's always way too much technology floating around the house quite harmlessly minding its own business.

That is, until an inquisitive three-year-old arrives on the scene and demands to know exactly why this particular piece of very expensive equipment is wasting his valuable time and space?

These questions are usually asked while said technology is being held outstretched over the head just prior to being cast upon the nearest hard surface in order to continue the child's research project into the effects of gravity on inanimate objects.

You have a very short time window in which to react to these situations and most responses won't actually save the gadget, the fate of which is, like a hostage, already determined before the negotiations even begin.

You must decide whether you can cover the distance between you and the child before the gadget contacts the hard surface. This is usually only possible if you are related to a comic book superhero.

The next-best option is to engage the hostage-taker in dialogue by attempting to answer their demands - just what is the gadget supposed to do?

Fortunately, the vast majority of technology operates in the realm of magic rather than science as far as small children are concerned.

There's no point explaining what the thing actually does. This will only result in a resounding crash and tinkle as the box of electronics bites the concrete while the child wails "I don't want it to do compu-calcu-pod any more!"

No, far better to respond with some waffle about the efficacy of the gadget to make Weeties more golden and sugary.

However, if you embark on that line of subterfuge you'd better have a few pertinent follow up answers ready. It goes without saying that you should be edging ever closer to the kidnapper while this dialogue is underway.

Of course, all your best negotiating skills can be instantly undone with the appearance of the child's mother or father.

Either parent will instantly assess the situation and recognise a repeat offender committing yet another offence for which they have previously delivered a stern reprimand.

There's usually a brief silence while eye contact is established between parent and child followed quickly by "Nigel! What are you doing with grandpa's gadget! Put it down at once!"

This always gets immediate results but not of the type previously being painstakingly negotiated between grandpa and grandson.

The three-year-old has no choice but to drop the expensive technological wonder because both hands are urgently required to cover sobbing eyes, while the wails of anguish at being caught yet again doing something against unreasonable rules, drowns out all other attempts at communication.

Meanwhile, grandpa's gaze is fixed on the slow motion tumble of the gadget on its way down to impending hard-surface-doom - which happens almost silently, muffled as it is under the wailing of the defeated kidnapper, as he runs to the nearest bedroom, slamming the door behind him, yelling to anyone who'll listen "I hate you ALL!"

Gotta go! Gadgets to rescue!