Notional Broadand Notwork

Here at Rabid Reseller we were mighty upset to hear that Telstra won’t build the national broadband network if other ISPs are allowed access to its shiny new glow-in-the-dark fibre optics.

Why does that bother Rabid?

Because it’s unAustralian not to share your toys. The sooner the government tells Telstra to go and stand in the corner the better as far as we’re concerned. Of course, nobody else really cares what Telstra does, since we’re all used to being screwed by multi-nationals. That’s why they exist – somebody’s gotta be responsible for the Global Financial Crisis™.

But if we were a rival telco about to get the door slammed in our face by Telstra, we wouldn’t bother bleating about it, we’d just build our own fibre optic network anyway. How hard can it be?

Acme Hire has reasonable rates on large yellow Tonka trucks just perfect for trench digging and Rabid has just cleaned out the garage and found a stack of those fibre optic lamps from our disco days.

We’ll let them go cheap to the first ISP that makes a reasonable offer. We found some jousting sticks, too, if anyone’s interested.

What seems to get Telstra really irked is that although they own the copper wires that feed the bytes to every home, the government has ordered them to let everyone else send their data down Telstra’s cables.

Now that would annoy anyone. How are they going to tell which bytes belong to which telco?

Apart from that mystery, Rabid has worked out that we-the-people actually paid for Telstra’s shiny copper cables before the government sucked everyone’s superannuation funds dry to privatise it, so why aren’t we-the-people billing Telstra for access?

Rabid Reseller plans to invoice Telstra today for its blatant trespass on our share of the copper wires without due compensation. But what to charge? We’re not sure how much copper got laid over the years, but we reckon we must at least own the last mile or maybe the local-loop, since that’s what all the other telcos keep harping about.

Of course this raises yet another telco mystery or two. Rabid vaguely remembers that we went metric back in the sixties, when suddenly one ounce became 28 grams, so why do telcos still talk about last miles?

The other mystery is the local-loop.

What on earth is the point of a telephone cable that only goes around in a loop, local or otherwise? This conjures up images of an elephant with its trunk shoved up its backside.

Or perhaps we’re getting confused with closed loops, or just the definition of snookered, which would seem appropriate, since we were never very good at that either.

Anyway, Rabid doesn’t need to pick up the phone to talk to ourselves, well not yet, so the local-loop remains a complete mystery.

Besides, all this talk about cables is so 20th century. Everybody knows the future is wireless, even Telstra admits that much.

Telstra has already shut down the old wireless networks that the cow cockies used, and replaced it with a bigger fatter network with enough bandwidth to let them send each other videos of naked cows.

Before then, farmers had to make do with just looking at still pictures and listening to their moos, leaving the rest to their imagination.

Life is obviously so much better in rural and regional Australia with the fantastic new NextG service.

Those annoying dropouts and dark spots are so much easier to tolerate with a multimedia phone. On the old CDMA network you had to contend with losing the voice-call but with NextG you lose the entire network and drive your GPS-guided tractor into the nearest dam.

Thanks to the drought it won’t be full, so no need to blow the budget on that outdoorsy-woodsy military-specification waterproof mobile phone.

If you think the idea of selling NextG broadband networks to farmers has Rabid excited you’re damn right.

Rabid Rural is waiting for your call right now with some terrific upgrade offers! Can you say that again please?

You’re dropping out.

Try moving away from the trees.

What’s that?

You clear-felled them already?

Well, try moving away from the tractor.

Careful, not too close to that dam!

Gotta go,

SES calling!

broadand collaboration networking notional notwork telco