Microsoft's new "don't blame us" machine

My mum was a greatly talented, intelligent individual, with a deep knowledge of the universe and all that’s in’t.

One of her more uncanny abilities was the knack, in any given situation, regardless of what had gone wrong, to apportion blame.

I feel sick – “I told you not to eat cheese after 10pm”.

The car broke down – “you probably flooded the carburettor”.

I got stuck in the lift for three days without food or water – “you must have pressed the wrong button”.

Come to think of it, the blame did fairly often seem to land on me, and usually because I had recklessly failed to heed her sage advice.

Ah, where would we be without our mums?

I’ve been put in mind of my mum’s particular talent by the recent revelation that Microsoft is building a thing called Windows Advisor into the next version of Windows.

Windows Advisor is all about pointing fingers and apportioning blame for stuff that goes wrong with your system — which, I understand, is a fairly common occurrence on Windows boxes.

I think Microsoft’s energies would be better spent trying to ensure stuff doesn’t go wrong, but hey, that’s just me.

According to Microsoft, “When a user has a sluggish Internet connection, is it due to a connectivity issue, spyware, a virus, an outdated or poorly maintained computer, the router, a failing hard drive, or simply the customer’s impatience? To be effective in today’s environment, computer care and support services must be more comprehensive and accurate. That’s where we believe Windows Advisor comes in.”

Notice that none of the above likely culprits originated in Redmond, Washington? Interesting that all of the fingers point outwards, no? And I can’t wait to see what happens the first time a user is told that the problem with their computer is that they’re being impatient.

Expect that video to pop up on YouTube.

Of course the thing I really love about it – and which I love about error reporting in general – is that it is invoked when something has gone wrong in the system, yet (like all code) it relies for accurate functioning on the system working correctly. Whenever an error comes up on screen, it is being generated – by necessity – by a system that is not functioning correctly.

You see the inherent problem here?

Think about it.

If you run headlong into a tree, you’re unlikely to say “I appear to have failed to watch where I was going and consequently collided with an Angophora floribunda, and a fine specimen it is, too”. More likely your report will be along the lines of “What the freak was that? Ouch.”

Likewise, when your screen goes all flaky, applications caramelise, and your computer informs you that “An error type 3429768 has occurred” you should interpret that as “well, at least the random number generator is still working”.

It’s possible, of course, that Windows Advisor will confound my expectations.

It will be somehow separate from the system, impervious to the ebb and flow of Windows’ stability, able to peer down from above and see the interactions between bits of code and hardware as if from the heavens.

It will be perfectly written and never itself the source of problems.

It’s just not likely.

Matthew JC. Powell

(mjcp@optusnet.com.au) misses his mum.

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