A trolling we will go

If there’s one thing Rabid knows for certain, it’s that internet addicts are really insecure about security.

Not that we’ve ever met anyone who was actually hacked – except for those who use their postcode for a password. Serves them right. Everyone knows the safest, and easiest to remember password is your postcode backwards. And it’s been yonks since a virus creamed anyone.

But despite the lack of any real world evidence that the internet is still as dangerous as the old Wild West, if you run a scary security story up the flagpole the entire planet will salute. You’ll get even more traffic if you can link the security scare to a porn site – the last thing anyone wants is to discover they’ve got a virus and the only place it could come from was a place they’d never admit they ever visited.

In some ways the virtual world is eerily similar to the real world.

According to the experts, organised virtual criminals now run all the insecurity on the internet anyway. And they can’t be bothered hacking the average loser with only $5 left on their credit card. No, they’re off targeting monster banks and multinationals that can afford to pay their ransom demands. And we’re also told those attacks are mostly unreported because no multinational wants to admit its security was so insecure that it got hacked and held to ransom.

However, that doesn’t mean there isn’t an opportunity for a reseller to make a few dollars whenever a scary security story goes viral. But we readily admit it’s harder than it used to be to cash in on these tiny tsunamis of fear and guilt. 

For starters every punter has at least five random anti-virus security-registry-filter scanners running, and the ensuing fight between each vendor’s theory of what constitutes a danger is what causes most of the problems. We’re fairly certain the virus signature files contain the competition’s software higher up the list than any real or virtual threats.

But the scary security stories have shifted from what’s lurking inside your PC to who or what is lurking online just waiting to steal your identity. Let’s admit it: most of us aren’t worried about them stealing our money. We don’t have any. So the only thing left to worry about is our untarnished online profile.

That’s where the real worry exists – the fear that someone masquerading as you will “like” something you don’t like, or post a comment you’d never have made. Can you imagine what would happen if all your virtual friends found out you “liked” Justin Bieber and told the virtual world he was your one true love? The horror! The shame!

Don’t get stroppy. It was just an example. No need to start cyber-bullying me. That’s just plain rude. Now that’s outright obscene. Look, I’m gonna unfriend you all. Right then, now I’m totally blocking every one of you. That does it; I’m changing my online name.

I can’t believe they managed to follow me to my new profile. How did they do that? I am not a teeny-hater-troll. Whatever that is. Hey, I am not even a Bieber-hater. I told you it was just an example. No, I don’t know why I chose him. No, I can’t un-post it – I already deleted my old profile. It’s no longer online. Okay, so it’s in the search cache. No you can’t edit that. Stop it. I do not hate Justin. Well maybe I do a little bit. No! I can’t believe I said that. Please stop. That wasn’t me! My account was hacked! Gotta go!